I wanna die
I can’t decide
So I cry
As it feels less permanent.
I wanna die
I can’t decide
So I cry
As it feels less permanent.
Times are fucking weird, aren’t they. My response = I quit social media. I needed too. My nervous system needed it. My mental health needed it. My physical body needed it. My faith needed it.
I’ve resisted the break. I thought if I wasn’t connected to all the troubles, not just global troubles but internal struggles that get spoken about at length on social, I thought I’d be even more distant to humanity than I’ve felt over the past few years. I truly believed social media was my connector, my electricity. It was the food my being needed to be a part of something, a part of something bigger and my belonging. I’ve been moaning about social media for years then one morning, during meditation, the day after a total shit show of a mini breakdown I seem to get more regularly than desired, I heard “the world has enough confusion, do the rebellious thing and liberate yourself, stop asking for help when you already know what to do!”
God can be brutal, right? There’s no fluffy language or beating around the bush, the truth is most often laid out in bold capitals. My response is most often “I hear you God, but what else can I do? Give me something, anything other than what you’ve just told me, anything! (But not that)”
And it’s fucking hard work. I wear myself out, and I don’t think this is my lone fight. I think most humans do. If God is in ALL, then surely God is in the confusion too? Is the universe confused, or have us humans created a meaning, a constant way of being that basically equates to a momentary ‘and now what?’ Momentary being the jewel here. That crossroad decision that when we take the road, we take the road. The looking back is the conflict. Is God the conflict too? I presume so as what can exist without the breath of God, God being creation itself. So if humans feel it, if they act on it, it has to be part of creation. And do you ever feel ‘where did it all go wrong?’ I do! Yet God always seems to reply with “you’re not wrong!”
And what the fudge do I with that?
“God, I think I am wrong. I think humans get it wrong all the time! Maybe you’re wrong about this” Of course, I seem to believe I understand more than the force that turns this whole flipping planet.
The arguments with God can become teenage years triggering. Worse actually, as the conflict is with you, in you, about you and how you see things. Not through another humans eyes, which when the news was broken to me that my parents were in fact human beings, not perfect ethereal beings, destroyed a part of my blame stick I so heavily relied on for balance. Balance went, blame had to diminish (a work in progress) and I was left feeling like I was walking on one leg. “God, please be my other leg!” to which God replied, “I’ll be the beat of your heart, the pulse in your veins, your breathe, the lungs to breath, the imagination, the inspiration, your strength which is never gone, even when you feel broken. I’ll be the voice that always lets you know no human is without sadness and suffering, that you’re never alone’.
That’s great God, but I only asked for a leg!
One part God, the other part human struggle, just to really martyr myself. Social media validated that for me. All the struggle, all the pain, the need to be seen and liked to feel truly connected and alive. Oh to have a strong opinion about everything. That is truly satisfying, pushing the debate your way. I AM RIGHT. God giggles “you’re not wrong but you’re not right either!”
The confusion! Faith can feel totally and utterly bonkers sometimes, most times actually. The more I prayed for clarity, the stronger the conflict. Until that morning when I had no energy to argue and quit ALL social media accounts. Then love began a small expedition from one leg to the spine to the arm, maybe, in time.
The confusion continues, I think it may be the addiction to confusion itself I now have to lean into. But hey, at least the social media battle has been extinguished, and I honestly feel softer and more aligned than I have in years.
Do you think God gets confused and conflicted about humanity? According to the Old Testament, yes. I guess in the eyes of love, there is no right nor wrong, just like God’s been endlessly trying to communicate. There’s one legs worth of support should you choose it, there’s also a whole body full of infinite support and guidance waiting to feel acknowledged, one day, when we’re ready. I suppose God does get confused if we want to see things that way, god gets mad and conflicted, if that’s how we want to justify our one leg of Love. There’s no right or wrong way to be in God, I’m beginning to believe that. God meets humans where we’re at.
God, are you confused too? I hope so becuase I’ll meet you there.
The brown, stagnant blood down my thighs, soaking my pants.
The spear through my side, unexplainable with no negotiation.
The salt, stinging, streaming down my cheeks.
Lungs like full vacuum cleaner bags.
Feet like swollen warts.
Sharpness travelling up my calves and down my shins, through hopeful walks and dying tries.
My spine, a broken necklace.
My neck, a frozen hinge.
Through the pain I continue to live.
Forgetting to ask for relief, I continue to live.
Another year. Same me, new set of numbers. 2022.
2022 feels like a positive set of numbers, which maybe means much ‘negative’ will emerge… ya know, polarity and all that jazz. Confusing? Yes. Let’s be totally honest, most beginning of the year stuff is… confusing fluff.
Because we’re the we we were in 2021 and we’re taking that self into another set of 12 months. It’s ALL constructed anyway. I do love the concept of maths. The constructive element of existence, it just confuses the hell outta me. I was always crap at math through school purely because no-one ever explained that maths is art in embryo. Or art is math in embryo. Either way, there really is no separation between the sciences and arts, it’s just different energy waves exploring plausible explanations for perceived realities. If this had been explained at school, I’d have paid more attention. Take geometry, I LOVE it. I don’t get it but I love it.
So no resolutions this year, I stopped that years ago. I feel certain energetics coming through, generally a result of past year experiences. Community, experiential living, joy, deepening my devotion to God and diving deeper into the teachings of Jesus. The last two I know will manifest. The will be a consequence. But really, who knows. Divine Will isn’t mine.
The truth is the more unified I feel, the less excited I get. This sounds weird to me. I thought I’d turn every corner and be filled with excited joy at my love for life. The total opposite?!? Maybe I’m having some dark night of the soul, I’m feeling many things but excited isn’t one of those many.
Grace and gratitude. I’m full. It’s not as pretty and neat as I thought it would feel. To be honest, the more I meditate, the more lost and distant I feel. I guess that’s all coming with me into 2022.
Happy New Year. Cheers to the confusing and bewildering months ahead 😉
I’ve been ‘trying’ for years. Literally, the past 10 years I’ve had in my head ‘I want to write a book’. I’ve tried. Many occasions, many ideas, many notebooks, many drafts, many hours and many word counts later… no book.
Am I approaching this whole book writing malarkey the wrong way? I’ve an ADHD brain and more often than not, that means doing things a little differently to how we’ve been taught, the ‘how to‘ doesn’t always apply to an ADHDer as it’s gotta utterly click. I can’t persevere. I’m not lazy, not all but I can’t just grit my teeth and get through it. I’ve tried that approach also and it sucks the life outta me. Why the fudge am I taking something that I love and making a hard to chew, fibrous meal out of it.
So, a new approach I shall try.
Firstly, word count. I was aiming at 1000 words with every sit down. I’m taking that pressure off the list as I’d not bother to even sit down and try if I felt failure before I began. Let’s take 1000 to 500 and if I manage 100, that’s bloody brilliant too as if those 100 words were 100 pounds, I’d be more than happy to see that accumulate over time.
Secondly, distractions. Im gonna get distracted. There is no way that I can sit for 2 hours and not get the urge to move or do something else quickly to shift attentions. So, let’s celebrate the distractions as part of the process, part of the flow. Maybe that distraction is allowing an idea to marinate. Maybe I need to move in order to allow a newness, a fresh sense of perspective to inspire my writing.
Which flows into thirdly, it needs to feel alive. Something I’m learning about the way I work creatively is that what comes through me has to feel like it’s got a life of it’s own. It’s breathing. A current that wants to move me and others in a very embodied and present way. The writing almost needs to feel like an organism that beats to its own drum. That without me, it still breathes and I’m purely channelling what’s already dancing around the ether. Basically the ideas are not mine but I give them life, in only a way I can, just as each artist has their stroke and each writer has their style, it’s all valid but there’s a uniqueness to explore within divine expression.
And with that, I know I’m to start on something new. I’ve been churning old stories over and over and it’s sat a little flat on the page. I can’t seem to let go of ‘but I wrote 30,000 words on this story’ and it’s been like a fudging chain. I can write 30,000 words again, or maybe I won’t and that’s ok too. Maybe I’ll write 15,000 and that will be enough, maybe.
Leap of faith! Whatever needs to come through, will come through (let’s make it good though 😅). Let’s get honest too, what do I actually want to write about, not what I think would look good on the page. That’s a flipping scary thought. Art is truth and that ain’t always pretty!
If I need to lay bare, I need to lay bare. HUGE respect for all the creatives who live their art and their art breathes life into others. Yes, I think I’m ready to step out of the safety box, I think.
Let’s see what happens….
I’m not the fastest on this thing. I find keeping to linear time pretty impossible actually, so blog posts take their sweet time. I thought my inability to keep to schedules was a defect, a problem in my whole entirety of being me. Turns out, it’s not. And I’m not alone. In fact, I think it could be more ‘normal’ to follow natural rhythms and intuitive actions. But sites don’t like it. Algorithms don’t either. Techies want us to be engaging ALL the time as it grows their site, their business. I get it. This isn’t a ‘I hate tech companies’ post because I don’t. I am, after all using this site for my pleasure and expression.
Maybe I’ve digressed, often the case.
It’s December the 1st and I’m in love with this time of year. I am privileged enough to say that as I’m not freezing my ass off, but with warmth and comfort, this time of year can feel joyous. I’m beginning to understand the magic, the splendour. For me it’s not about parties and drinking and cramming as much in before the 25th, I’m too lazy and uninterested for that. For me, there’s something quite mystical about December. Peace fills the sky when it’s below 0 and an almost tactile fineness envelopes as boundaries feel to have contracted with the shorter days. As the moon graces us for many more hours, her lunar magnetism seems to weave into moments that feel formed, almost curated and silver. There’s definitely a silver tinge to days, or a sepia filter that fixates us as a masterfully taken photo would. The leaves are fallen but deep, delicious, rich tones fill landscapes. The tapestry of winter fills my heart with snow angels!
That’s all. I’m not going to write too much as I’m already feeling the itch to stand up, make a cup of tea and then loose blog flow and most probably delete this draft. I’m crafting a more authentic reality by honouring my limits.
May your December 1st be full of anticipation, warm soups and crunchy walks upon the morning frost ❄️💫❄️
That’s the role meditation is playing in my life right now. Breaking the continuous chatter of ‘holy wow, it’s all going to sh*t’.
And meditation also gives me the space to unpack that phrase I just wrote as ‘going to sh*t’… why is that bad? We all gotta poop and if we didn’t poop we’d die. And pooping is releasing what our bodies don’t need or toxins etc… so technically pooping is ESSENTIAL! So, if everything is ‘going to sh*t’… its being let go.
Letting go is HARD yet not really that hard at the same time. We do it, all day long. Our bodies do it. Our cells do it. Our mind is switching when we find new distractions, letting go of a previous thought – and yea, it may pop back again but in those moments we’re not in that thought, we’re not in that thought.
And we think too much, right? Because it’s a habit, an expression of energy that seems to find an output through thought, because maybe our bodies have forgotten ways to move through it. Or maybe we never had this amount of excess running through our systems because excess wasn’t so much a thing until it became the norm, celebrated even! I mean, I don’t know. I know very little. And when I pray for relief, I hear MEDITATE! And at first I was like ‘nah, that’s a lot of work doing very little’ and ignored, ignored, ignored. Until..
I had no choice.
And that’s what this pandemic has done for me. Given me zero choices other than to go deeper into my meditation practice. Now, it’s my circuit breaker. Instead of reaching for the remote control to switch out of myself by watching something, anything that feeds what I’m feeling, I sit.
Be still and know I Am God
Be still and know I Am
Be still and know
And it’s precious. Very precious indeed.
I feel this blog is becoming more of a faith exploration space. Not my initial intention when I began writing this blog but… well that’s evolution for you. And once the flow begins and ya jump on board the…board, well ya go where the tide takes you I guess.
Faith feels the most real and important ‘thing’ for me at the moment. A depth, a sweetness if you like, soaking into… like I’m sat in sugar water and my skin is doing what skin does well, absorbing. And I could jump outta the sugar water, it gets a little damp and hot and sticky and funky smelling if I don’t move for a while, but I don’t. I can’t maybe. Because in this sweetness I get glimpses of what it feels like to be delicious. I feel entirely engrossed and porous, which can get somewhat overpowering but the reality is, is better than what’s outside.
It’s scary, right. This apocalyptic feeling, worn on the cuffs of all of us, hidden by the usual veil, left hand ignoring what the right is doing.
But the ignoring is becoming harder and feelings of security outside of myself are dying. There’s no where to place a foot, a rooting within society right now. And I guess the true reality is, there never has been. The veil is thinning, as it does before a mass contraction. Are the waters about to break?
And the questions come. When I feel I have an answer, the question comes. It’s topsy-turvy and it’s not how school taught us.
Question to answer… nope… answer to question.
Outside to understand what’s going on inside… nope… inside and understand nothing (and get used to it)
This is more of a pondering post… but then is that what we do, daily. Ponder. We hold onto weather reports like they are our totality, until eternity. And we know how quickly the weather can change.
So Q’s to my A’s, they just keep coming. And the sweet waters, they keep me hydrated even though I’m feeling a little prune-y 🙂
Ok, this is the hard stuff.
I’ve been saying the Lord’s Prayer for years. We said it before each class in school (catholic) and it’s kinda ingrained. School was a long time ago and it’s been bouncing around in my head ever since. Lately I’ve incorporated the prayer into my morning sadhana. And when I wanna go deep with Jesus, we join hands over this prayer.
Because it’s become habitual it’s easy to skim over what you’re actually saying. The words become a rhythm and that’s wonderful to soothe and connect BUT I’m now realising… never underestimate the power of words and what you’re actually praying for!
In meditation the other day I was just about to say ‘God, give me the courage to surrender to your will’, but wait… YOUR WILL?? What if it’s not what I want or like? And that’s where the huge question of ‘what does faith actually mean for me? slipped furiously in.
That line ‘Thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven’ has been kinda thrown away by me, for years. Heaven has always been depicted as ‘someplace’ perfect and bright and immaculate. So, of course I just visualised perfection on Earth.
Yet, scratch the surface of that and concepts of perfection and how EVERY individual has a different ideal… suddenly that picture begins to muddy and I see Heaven as a projection, not a place you go. A place you are. So, thy will be done, where you are, on earth.
And let’s be honest, another’s will upon us can be scary as anything. I think I may have used God. My will over the bigger picture.
‘God, please can you give me the strength…’
‘God, please can you help with….’
‘God, please help those….’
‘God, please allow whatever feelings I’m feeling to flow through me, without attachment…’
That’s a lot please can you prayers. And God answers! The LOVE is immense… But lately there’s been a shift.
‘God, please allow me to see your will…’ and BOOM. That’s not so easy. Gods will isn’t my will. It’s not what I want or think I need. It’s whats for me, not me for it. That’s a whole new walk of unknown, right? To open your arms and say ‘I’m here, FOR YOU to be led by YOU’. I’m getting scary chills even writing it!
So, what does faith actually mean? It’s evolving everyday. And in that evolution, it gets a little scarier and unknown and leaning in to God gets deeper and deeper… and trust becomes the only constant and that’s scary too. It’s like I fell into the arms of Jesus for safety and comfort but actually there’s no safety or comfort unless you really trust what’s for you, on a soul level. No swings and whistles, no temporary fixes or fixations that may distract for long enough to ease a craving. To trust the release of the root of our cravings and attachments, that takes guts. Faith is a courage walk. It’s saying yes to what doesn’t come easy, to what’s against our conditioning.
It’s a scary walk of fire. But fudging ‘ell, doesn’t it make life rich and beautiful! (Ok, maybe I’ll feel that tomorrow, today is more of a through-clenched-teeth day).
Life is never dull when you walk it with faith.