Deep, surrendered doubt

I feel my posts are taking a rather ‘underworld’ plunge at the moment. But it doesn’t feel like a time to be sidetracking crappy feelings. Life is A LOT right now. Really it’s always been a lot but the overwhelm of information and collective chaos and confusion feels ripe.

And in that confusion comes a lot of doubt. Doubt about doing the ‘right thing’ or doubt about ‘is there anything I can do right now to ease, just ease something’. I dunno. And I’ve never known so what do I do now? I give it to God. It’s all I really know what to do.

And this is why I love the teachings and life of Jesus. The moment on the cross, before he takes his last breath, his doubt in God is vocalised and totally human. His faith punctures, for that split second, in his pain and suffering, he chooses not to beg humans for mercy but to call out to God. ‘My God, why have you forsaken me!’ (something like that anyway)

And Jesus has said of us ‘they know not what they do’

Is this true of humans, do we know not what we do? I think most of the time, we don’t. We’re on a rabbit wheel of habit and programming that we convince ourselves is true until we learn something else and adopt that as our truth. Intellectualising everything. Getting very lost in logic and control.

And I think that’s why the concept of God can be scary, there’s no logic and control – well, there’s a lot of projection onto God about what pleases and doesn’t but often these stem from traditions and human worries and fears. I went to a Catholic school so pleasing God was part and parcel. Pleasing by being ‘good’ but really that equals being easily controlled by other humans. I struggled at being controlled but I really wanted to please. It was a complex mix.

To pray to a God with no judgments, a God who doesn’t need us, but loves us can be a very weird concept. Unconditional love isn’t really in the human vocabulary and often goes ‘if you love me, what can you give me? And what must I give in return?’. But honestly, the sun shines on EVERYONE. And if you get caught in a storm, you get caught in a storm.

I’m going to Jesus and his doubt in that moment on the cross. I’m personally having moments of ‘what’s the fudging point’ but hanging on anyway. That is love isn’t it, feeling into pools of pain and expressing how that makes you feel but also knowing it makes you no less of a human or lovable or capable of love because to feel IS human. And God made us human.

So today my prayer is ‘may I find the courage to surrender more deeply and allow doubt to strengthen my faith’

Thinking about… Letting go.

I think letting go of something you created is the importance of creating it in the first place. 

That you’re not creating something to keep hold of it, you’re creating something because if you don’t, you’ll go a little loopy. Just me?? Ok then.

There’s this sense that when you put your ‘heart and soul’ into something, you have to have something to show for it. Like nothing is worth doing unless you get something back. That you’re only as worthy as what you can essentially get back for what you share with others.

And us humans have skills! We’re innovative, we’re artist, we like numbers and structure and symmetry and enjoy working within those fields of thought. We want to be seen, like stars in the sky. We want to feel like we’re moving things, like water moves driftwood. We’re attracted to colour and want to show off, like a peacock struts his intricately designed tail. We’re all things natural and Earthly, but there can be a thought pattern that makes you feel you’re not worthy on this planet unless you’re being paid to be part of it. This makes total sense in my head 🙂

My mental and physical sickness comes in waves, and when I feel totally off and my body aches and I can’t think about anything other than how much I’m hating on myself for not being ‘that’ woman who keeps her house and mind and nails tidy and smooth… when I’m on that rock, I have to create. This could be writing, drawing, cooking, singing (alone) or talking to myself like I’m in a film… I truly think my sanity depends on my ‘madness’.

And then once something is created, I have to let it go. Otherwise it all becomes like a smelly pond, and I add more and more until it spills out, wets my feet and I become a damp mess!

And that’s why blogging is so great!

I mean, I’m new to this game and know nothing about how to blog, I picked the simplest layout I could find and tadah! (there’s no way I’ll use this platform to its maximum potential as I just want to write stuff, press publish and be on my way).

It’s the Publish option I love, like I’m writing my own mini novel, every entry. That once I’ve written something, there’s a button that pretty much says ‘and now I’m complete, thank you and goodbye.’ 

I don’t have to keep it sitting in a folder on my laptop (which I have plenty of, full of unread poems and short stories, I feel I’m hoarding words!)

I’ve been thinking about the whole copyright thing, that if I am thinking something, I can guarantee that someone, somewhere is thinking the same thing. I am not original enough or special to think that I am the only one who has thought a certain idea or created something so specific that it only does and can belong to me. To think that ideas belong to you is like thinking that when you breathe, the outbreath is your piece of air, that any residue inhaled by another is stealing.

I mean, I don’t think we own anything but I don’t want to get too deep 600 words in. I will say that I believe the concept of owning something or someone is one of the biggest illusions us humans hold so tightly onto and creates a whole world of pain.

Death seems to creep into all avenues of our life, and this, what I’m writing right now, is a fleeting thought. I’ll soon press the Publish button and tomorrow, I’ll have something new bubbling up… and now I’m thinking too much about this entry and should I press publish, or delete?!

And now I’m complete, thank you and goodbye.