Deep, surrendered doubt

I feel my posts are taking a rather ‘underworld’ plunge at the moment. But it doesn’t feel like a time to be sidetracking crappy feelings. Life is A LOT right now. Really it’s always been a lot but the overwhelm of information and collective chaos and confusion feels ripe.

And in that confusion comes a lot of doubt. Doubt about doing the ‘right thing’ or doubt about ‘is there anything I can do right now to ease, just ease something’. I dunno. And I’ve never known so what do I do now? I give it to God. It’s all I really know what to do.

And this is why I love the teachings and life of Jesus. The moment on the cross, before he takes his last breath, his doubt in God is vocalised and totally human. His faith punctures, for that split second, in his pain and suffering, he chooses not to beg humans for mercy but to call out to God. ‘My God, why have you forsaken me!’ (something like that anyway)

And Jesus has said of us ‘they know not what they do’

Is this true of humans, do we know not what we do? I think most of the time, we don’t. We’re on a rabbit wheel of habit and programming that we convince ourselves is true until we learn something else and adopt that as our truth. Intellectualising everything. Getting very lost in logic and control.

And I think that’s why the concept of God can be scary, there’s no logic and control – well, there’s a lot of projection onto God about what pleases and doesn’t but often these stem from traditions and human worries and fears. I went to a Catholic school so pleasing God was part and parcel. Pleasing by being ‘good’ but really that equals being easily controlled by other humans. I struggled at being controlled but I really wanted to please. It was a complex mix.

To pray to a God with no judgments, a God who doesn’t need us, but loves us can be a very weird concept. Unconditional love isn’t really in the human vocabulary and often goes ‘if you love me, what can you give me? And what must I give in return?’. But honestly, the sun shines on EVERYONE. And if you get caught in a storm, you get caught in a storm.

I’m going to Jesus and his doubt in that moment on the cross. I’m personally having moments of ‘what’s the fudging point’ but hanging on anyway. That is love isn’t it, feeling into pools of pain and expressing how that makes you feel but also knowing it makes you no less of a human or lovable or capable of love because to feel IS human. And God made us human.

So today my prayer is ‘may I find the courage to surrender more deeply and allow doubt to strengthen my faith’

Pass the time

I’ve decided to write a poem

Trying hard to make it rhyme 

I wanna be good at something

And find a way to pass the time 

I’ve thought about many things

The subject? What could that be…

I close my eyes, I focus

Nope, nothing exciting to see

So what, right now, is important 

What do I want to say?

Do I want to make a statement 

Or brighten someone’s day?

To be honest, I don’t really care

If people are happy or not

As long as they’re ticking over

Not hurting people a lot

But maybe they are hurting people

Maybe I’m doing that also?

Shit, now I think of my life

LOVE… I could have done moreso 

Have I said mean things in passing?

Things that were not meant to hurt

Have I triggered a response

Like flight or fight in the dirt? 

What a quandary I find myself in

this turmoil, it’s thick and fast 

I just wanted to write a poem

Not question ways of my past

So here, I’m writing these words

Caring little if it rhymes 

As I seem to have quickly discovered

It’s distraction I need in these times 

But would you Adam & Eve it

Rhyming ain’t hard to do

So I’m passing the time quite easy

Turns out I AM a poet too.

Winter can get VERY dark

I wrote a poem a few months ago, in December.

It’s called Together….

I stood above you 

With an axe

Wanting to slay 

Slicing you in two

Soaking the pillow with your warm, crimson blood

With hate at the end of my fingers

Wanting to wrap them around your neck

Squeezing so tightly 

Your eyes bulge and your nose turns blue

Those lips of yours, they’d quiver in fear 

I stood above you 

With fever in my eyes

Salty sweat engulfing you  

Watching you drown

Wanting to drink back my tears

Filling my belly like a balloon

I stood above you 

And if I were to burst

My guts would cover you 

Together dead

As it has always been.

The End. Need I say more?