I just wrote this poem as I was listening to Air. Something to share.
I feel my posts are taking a rather ‘underworld’ plunge at the moment. But it doesn’t feel like a time to be sidetracking crappy feelings. Life is A LOT right now. Really it’s always been a lot but the overwhelm of information and collective chaos and confusion feels ripe.
And in that confusion comes a lot of doubt. Doubt about doing the ‘right thing’ or doubt about ‘is there anything I can do right now to ease, just ease something’. I dunno. And I’ve never known so what do I do now? I give it to God. It’s all I really know what to do.
And this is why I love the teachings and life of Jesus. The moment on the cross, before he takes his last breath, his doubt in God is vocalised and totally human. His faith punctures, for that split second, in his pain and suffering, he chooses not to beg humans for mercy but to call out to God. ‘My God, why have you forsaken me!’ (something like that anyway)
And Jesus has said of us ‘they know not what they do’
Is this true of humans, do we know not what we do? I think most of the time, we don’t. We’re on a rabbit wheel of habit and programming that we convince ourselves is true until we learn something else and adopt that as our truth. Intellectualising everything. Getting very lost in logic and control.
And I think that’s why the concept of God can be scary, there’s no logic and control – well, there’s a lot of projection onto God about what pleases and doesn’t but often these stem from traditions and human worries and fears. I went to a Catholic school so pleasing God was part and parcel. Pleasing by being ‘good’ but really that equals being easily controlled by other humans. I struggled at being controlled but I really wanted to please. It was a complex mix.
To pray to a God with no judgments, a God who doesn’t need us, but loves us can be a very weird concept. Unconditional love isn’t really in the human vocabulary and often goes ‘if you love me, what can you give me? And what must I give in return?’. But honestly, the sun shines on EVERYONE. And if you get caught in a storm, you get caught in a storm.
I’m going to Jesus and his doubt in that moment on the cross. I’m personally having moments of ‘what’s the fudging point’ but hanging on anyway. That is love isn’t it, feeling into pools of pain and expressing how that makes you feel but also knowing it makes you no less of a human or lovable or capable of love because to feel IS human. And God made us human.
So today my prayer is ‘may I find the courage to surrender more deeply and allow doubt to strengthen my faith’
I’ve decided to write a poem
Trying hard to make it rhyme
I wanna be good at something
And find a way to pass the time
I’ve thought about many things
The subject? What could that be…
I close my eyes, I focus
Nope, nothing exciting to see
So what, right now, is important
What do I want to say?
Do I want to make a statement
Or brighten someone’s day?
To be honest, I don’t really care
If people are happy or not
As long as they’re ticking over
Not hurting people a lot
But maybe they are hurting people
Maybe I’m doing that also?
Shit, now I think of my life
LOVE… I could have done moreso
Have I said mean things in passing?
Things that were not meant to hurt
Have I triggered a response
Like flight or fight in the dirt?
What a quandary I find myself in
this turmoil, it’s thick and fast
I just wanted to write a poem
Not question ways of my past
So here, I’m writing these words
Caring little if it rhymes
As I seem to have quickly discovered
It’s distraction I need in these times
But would you Adam & Eve it
Rhyming ain’t hard to do
So I’m passing the time quite easy
Turns out I AM a poet too.
I wrote a poem a few months ago, in December.
It’s called Together….
I stood above you
With an axe
Wanting to slay
Slicing you in two
Soaking the pillow with your warm, crimson blood
With hate at the end of my fingers
Wanting to wrap them around your neck
Squeezing so tightly
Your eyes bulge and your nose turns blue
Those lips of yours, they’d quiver in fear
I stood above you
With fever in my eyes
Salty sweat engulfing you
Watching you drown
Wanting to drink back my tears
Filling my belly like a balloon
I stood above you
And if I were to burst
My guts would cover you
As it has always been.
The End. Need I say more?