Hunter gatherer brain

ADHD. The research has been intense, to the point where I’m like ‘wait, what am I actually trying to figure out here’. I lost the thread. I’m learning the pattern, my consistency in forgetting why I’m doing something or why I started and never ‘finishing’. Basically because I forgot – I dropped the firewood so I had free hands to go get more.

And is this such a big deal? According to society, yes.

The pressure I’ve put on myself to finish. And why? Because I’m not productive enough? I’m not progressing in a way I was told humans are supposed to? When I think about school, I remember the windows because I focused my attention towards and outta them, a lot. Noticing cloud formation and zoning into outside, that came easy. I was told I zoned out, but actually I was plugging myself in. The natural world settled something super primal within. I didn’t think that deeply into it then but as I still stare at the sky, I realise just how pacifying it is.

Retaining facts and figures, I just didn’t and still don’t give a shit about it.

and why is that important? Because when I stared outside, I got in trouble. “You’re focusing on the wrong thing!” But my brain didn’t think so. And why was my focus of attention wrong over someone who adores maths or logical thinking. AND the struggle has been REAL trying to focus on stuff that I truthfully don’t care about just because I wanted to ‘get’ somewhere. BUT that left me feeling so fucking stationary (and stationary SUCKS).

So in my deep-end dunk into ADHD, I came across a concept about ADHDers having a hunter gatherer brain. Wait, what!? Something clicked.

Movement, noticing tiny detail but not having to focus for too long, small sounds sounding MEGA (because that’s how you hear prey or predators), more movement, craving the danger and adventure (otherwise you’d never flipping go into the wild to find your food), intense focus from one thing to another to another in a super small time frame (checking your surroundings, what’s safe? What’s not?).

I’m adding here I’ve checked Instagram three times since beginning this piece and and also switched up my Spotify playlist.

And ya know what… I’m not even gonna give myself a hard time about it. I’m a fucking hunter, gathering for my tribe and my tribe need me.

There are so many ways we can reframe the beliefs about ourselves and the way we ‘fit’. My ADHD ‘diagnosis’ has been a revelation, in that I can dive more deeply and honestly into what works for me and what I’ve been doing that’s actually left me totally flat (which is a lot!).

The unexpected path… a dream for this wild hunter 🙂

A picture of me active in my favourite pastime… you’re welcome.

Tuesday inspiration…

I don’t actually have anything inspiring to say here. I rarely have anything inspiring to say. Maybe I think that I’m not inspiring and those who know me would disagree. They may think me the most inspiring person yet fail to express this as how often do we say to people ‘you really inspire me’.

I don’t. As I write this I wish did. I think I will. I think I’ll make this part of my interaction dictionary…

“you’re incredibly inspiring”

Who would I tell?

Honestly? every one I guess. Who hasn’t inspired me. Even the person who I find annoying as hell has inspired me in many ways (and the whole ‘you can see in others the qualities you have yourself’… grrr, isn’t that a game-changer!)

So, Tuesday inspiration to myself is go and tell someone they’re fucking amazing!

Oh and bees inspire me daily… I drew a pic of just how much. You’re welcome.

What’s normal anyway?

The more I read about neurodiversity, the more I wonder where the bar of normal is. Is there a brain, a neurotypical brain in a laboratory somewhere where ALL activities within our brain are compared against? How was the concept of normal structured and who, with what brain, decided upon the activities within a brain that would warrant a label if it were different from said ‘normal’ brain.

I know, a lot of questions for a Friday. Fridays are ease down days, getting ready for the weekend days. But who the flip developed the concept of weekends and working days anyway! As is apparent, I’m questioning everything.

As Seal said ‘we’re never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy’. The 90’s, my dream days. The days of my prime developmental growth. The days when I felt ok to want to be something ‘out there’. I used to visualise hitch-hiking across America, that was my dream. To live so freely that I didn’t own anything. And that felt ok. It felt do-able. Now, it doesn’t. I’m going a bit off topic here but the point is, I feel the concept of normal has become really narrow, hardly anyone fits it but it’s STILL used to measure our behaviour. Technology has much to with our modern concepts of reality, for sure. It’s opened up so much but narrowed the human existence also. The need for a phone and computer and tablet and WiFi and apps and SO MUCH SECURITY. I never remember my passwords and have to constantly reset them. I never understand why I can’t just talk to people and computer always says NO. So, back to this normal, neurotypical brain, are we consistently living within a constricted reality? If it wasn’t computers it was industry or some other way society was finding ways to ‘progress’. And is idealisation of normal purely compliance to rules within each and many eras of evolution? This then leads to capitalism but that’s another post.

And the irony is, it would have been the neurotypical brain that catapulted us outta one era, into another. It was the neurotypical brain that invented the machine, the computer. Medical advances – neurotypical thinking! And still today, ‘advances’ we’re seeing daily will be springboarding from neurotypicals. The artists, the poets, the novelist, the dancer… need I say more.

So, ‘we’re never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy’ is genius, the truest words. Thanks Seal! Crazy is what’s keeping the human existence beating. Crazy is the electricity that keeps humanity creating. Crazy IS our survival.

So, what’s normal anyway?

Pass the time

I’ve decided to write a poem

Trying hard to make it rhyme 

I wanna be good at something

And find a way to pass the time 

I’ve thought about many things

The subject? What could that be…

I close my eyes, I focus

Nope, nothing exciting to see

So what, right now, is important 

What do I want to say?

Do I want to make a statement 

Or brighten someone’s day?

To be honest, I don’t really care

If people are happy or not

As long as they’re ticking over

Not hurting people a lot

But maybe they are hurting people

Maybe I’m doing that also?

Shit, now I think of my life

LOVE… I could have done moreso 

Have I said mean things in passing?

Things that were not meant to hurt

Have I triggered a response

Like flight or fight in the dirt? 

What a quandary I find myself in

this turmoil, it’s thick and fast 

I just wanted to write a poem

Not question ways of my past

So here, I’m writing these words

Caring little if it rhymes 

As I seem to have quickly discovered

It’s distraction I need in these times 

But would you Adam & Eve it

Rhyming ain’t hard to do

So I’m passing the time quite easy

Turns out I AM a poet too.

Winter can get VERY dark

I wrote a poem a few months ago, in December.

It’s called Together….

I stood above you 

With an axe

Wanting to slay 

Slicing you in two

Soaking the pillow with your warm, crimson blood

With hate at the end of my fingers

Wanting to wrap them around your neck

Squeezing so tightly 

Your eyes bulge and your nose turns blue

Those lips of yours, they’d quiver in fear 

I stood above you 

With fever in my eyes

Salty sweat engulfing you  

Watching you drown

Wanting to drink back my tears

Filling my belly like a balloon

I stood above you 

And if I were to burst

My guts would cover you 

Together dead

As it has always been.

The End. Need I say more?