God, are you confused too?

Times are fucking weird, aren’t they. My response = I quit social media. I needed too. My nervous system needed it. My mental health needed it. My physical body needed it. My faith needed it.

I’ve resisted the break. I thought if I wasn’t connected to all the troubles, not just global troubles but internal struggles that get spoken about at length on social, I thought I’d be even more distant to humanity than I’ve felt over the past few years. I truly believed social media was my connector, my electricity. It was the food my being needed to be a part of something, a part of something bigger and my belonging. I’ve been moaning about social media for years then one morning, during meditation, the day after a total shit show of a mini breakdown I seem to get more regularly than desired, I heard “the world has enough confusion, do the rebellious thing and liberate yourself, stop asking for help when you already know what to do!”

God can be brutal, right? There’s no fluffy language or beating around the bush, the truth is most often laid out in bold capitals. My response is most often “I hear you God, but what else can I do? Give me something, anything other than what you’ve just told me, anything! (But not that)”

And it’s fucking hard work. I wear myself out, and I don’t think this is my lone fight. I think most humans do. If God is in ALL, then surely God is in the confusion too? Is the universe confused, or have us humans created a meaning, a constant way of being that basically equates to a momentary ‘and now what?’ Momentary being the jewel here. That crossroad decision that when we take the road, we take the road. The looking back is the conflict. Is God the conflict too? I presume so as what can exist without the breath of God, God being creation itself. So if humans feel it, if they act on it, it has to be part of creation. And do you ever feel ‘where did it all go wrong?’ I do! Yet God always seems to reply with “you’re not wrong!”

And what the fudge do I with that?

“God, I think I am wrong. I think humans get it wrong all the time! Maybe you’re wrong about this” Of course, I seem to believe I understand more than the force that turns this whole flipping planet.

The arguments with God can become teenage years triggering. Worse actually, as the conflict is with you, in you, about you and how you see things. Not through another humans eyes, which when the news was broken to me that my parents were in fact human beings, not perfect ethereal beings, destroyed a part of my blame stick I so heavily relied on for balance. Balance went, blame had to diminish (a work in progress) and I was left feeling like I was walking on one leg. “God, please be my other leg!” to which God replied, “I’ll be the beat of your heart, the pulse in your veins, your breathe, the lungs to breath, the imagination, the inspiration, your strength which is never gone, even when you feel broken. I’ll be the voice that always lets you know no human is without sadness and suffering, that you’re never alone’.

That’s great God, but I only asked for a leg!

One part God, the other part human struggle, just to really martyr myself. Social media validated that for me. All the struggle, all the pain, the need to be seen and liked to feel truly connected and alive. Oh to have a strong opinion about everything. That is truly satisfying, pushing the debate your way. I AM RIGHT. God giggles “you’re not wrong but you’re not right either!”

The confusion! Faith can feel totally and utterly bonkers sometimes, most times actually. The more I prayed for clarity, the stronger the conflict. Until that morning when I had no energy to argue and quit ALL social media accounts. Then love began a small expedition from one leg to the spine to the arm, maybe, in time.

The confusion continues, I think it may be the addiction to confusion itself I now have to lean into. But hey, at least the social media battle has been extinguished, and I honestly feel softer and more aligned than I have in years.

Do you think God gets confused and conflicted about humanity? According to the Old Testament, yes. I guess in the eyes of love, there is no right nor wrong, just like God’s been endlessly trying to communicate. There’s one legs worth of support should you choose it, there’s also a whole body full of infinite support and guidance waiting to feel acknowledged, one day, when we’re ready. I suppose God does get confused if we want to see things that way, god gets mad and conflicted, if that’s how we want to justify our one leg of Love. There’s no right or wrong way to be in God, I’m beginning to believe that. God meets humans where we’re at.

God, are you confused too? I hope so becuase I’ll meet you there.

Thy will be done…

Ok, this is the hard stuff.

I’ve been saying the Lord’s Prayer for years. We said it before each class in school (catholic) and it’s kinda ingrained. School was a long time ago and it’s been bouncing around in my head ever since. Lately I’ve incorporated the prayer into my morning sadhana. And when I wanna go deep with Jesus, we join hands over this prayer.

Because it’s become habitual it’s easy to skim over what you’re actually saying. The words become a rhythm and that’s wonderful to soothe and connect BUT I’m now realising… never underestimate the power of words and what you’re actually praying for!

In meditation the other day I was just about to say ‘God, give me the courage to surrender to your will’, but wait… YOUR WILL?? What if it’s not what I want or like? And that’s where the huge question of ‘what does faith actually mean for me? slipped furiously in.

That line ‘Thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven’ has been kinda thrown away by me, for years. Heaven has always been depicted as ‘someplace’ perfect and bright and immaculate. So, of course I just visualised perfection on Earth.

Yet, scratch the surface of that and concepts of perfection and how EVERY individual has a different ideal… suddenly that picture begins to muddy and I see Heaven as a projection, not a place you go. A place you are. So, thy will be done, where you are, on earth.

And let’s be honest, another’s will upon us can be scary as anything. I think I may have used God. My will over the bigger picture.

‘God, please can you give me the strength…’

‘God, please can you help with….’

‘God, please help those….’

‘God, please allow whatever feelings I’m feeling to flow through me, without attachment…’

That’s a lot please can you prayers. And God answers! The LOVE is immense… But lately there’s been a shift.

‘God, please allow me to see your will…’ and BOOM. That’s not so easy. Gods will isn’t my will. It’s not what I want or think I need. It’s whats for me, not me for it. That’s a whole new walk of unknown, right? To open your arms and say ‘I’m here, FOR YOU to be led by YOU’. I’m getting scary chills even writing it!

So, what does faith actually mean? It’s evolving everyday. And in that evolution, it gets a little scarier and unknown and leaning in to God gets deeper and deeper… and trust becomes the only constant and that’s scary too. It’s like I fell into the arms of Jesus for safety and comfort but actually there’s no safety or comfort unless you really trust what’s for you, on a soul level. No swings and whistles, no temporary fixes or fixations that may distract for long enough to ease a craving. To trust the release of the root of our cravings and attachments, that takes guts. Faith is a courage walk. It’s saying yes to what doesn’t come easy, to what’s against our conditioning.

It’s a scary walk of fire. But fudging ‘ell, doesn’t it make life rich and beautiful! (Ok, maybe I’ll feel that tomorrow, today is more of a through-clenched-teeth day).

Life is never dull when you walk it with faith.

Deep, surrendered doubt

I feel my posts are taking a rather ‘underworld’ plunge at the moment. But it doesn’t feel like a time to be sidetracking crappy feelings. Life is A LOT right now. Really it’s always been a lot but the overwhelm of information and collective chaos and confusion feels ripe.

And in that confusion comes a lot of doubt. Doubt about doing the ‘right thing’ or doubt about ‘is there anything I can do right now to ease, just ease something’. I dunno. And I’ve never known so what do I do now? I give it to God. It’s all I really know what to do.

And this is why I love the teachings and life of Jesus. The moment on the cross, before he takes his last breath, his doubt in God is vocalised and totally human. His faith punctures, for that split second, in his pain and suffering, he chooses not to beg humans for mercy but to call out to God. ‘My God, why have you forsaken me!’ (something like that anyway)

And Jesus has said of us ‘they know not what they do’

Is this true of humans, do we know not what we do? I think most of the time, we don’t. We’re on a rabbit wheel of habit and programming that we convince ourselves is true until we learn something else and adopt that as our truth. Intellectualising everything. Getting very lost in logic and control.

And I think that’s why the concept of God can be scary, there’s no logic and control – well, there’s a lot of projection onto God about what pleases and doesn’t but often these stem from traditions and human worries and fears. I went to a Catholic school so pleasing God was part and parcel. Pleasing by being ‘good’ but really that equals being easily controlled by other humans. I struggled at being controlled but I really wanted to please. It was a complex mix.

To pray to a God with no judgments, a God who doesn’t need us, but loves us can be a very weird concept. Unconditional love isn’t really in the human vocabulary and often goes ‘if you love me, what can you give me? And what must I give in return?’. But honestly, the sun shines on EVERYONE. And if you get caught in a storm, you get caught in a storm.

I’m going to Jesus and his doubt in that moment on the cross. I’m personally having moments of ‘what’s the fudging point’ but hanging on anyway. That is love isn’t it, feeling into pools of pain and expressing how that makes you feel but also knowing it makes you no less of a human or lovable or capable of love because to feel IS human. And God made us human.

So today my prayer is ‘may I find the courage to surrender more deeply and allow doubt to strengthen my faith’

Accidental monk… kinda.

In the catholic tradition I was raised in, to be a monk meant a man living with other men, praying every day and living rent free in a monastery. Maybe it’s the same now, I’ve not done much research in that department but I’m listening to a podcast about mystics and many male christian mystics were monks.
And… I 100% resonate. (Adding here, I know nuns are traditionally women but I always felt more monk like than nun. Why? Don’t ask me!)

This whole modern monk thing came as a shock to me. How the fudge am I resonating so deeply with these teachings? I don’t see myself as a highly religious person, I certainly don’t align with the whole one role for man, another for woman. But, I’m most happy when I learning about spiritual practices or diving into ancient spiritual philosophies. And there’s a lot to learn, but when I feel a little burnt out by all the information hoarding, I tend to lean into the words of christian mystics for respite.

I am totally adoring and LOVIN’ Jesus. He’s a dude, he’s the dude! I never feel he’s not with me. Ive never felt weird talking to him or acknowledging he’s by my right side, all the freaking time. I don’t tell people, I’ve kept pretty quiet about my depth of love for Jesus but, for sure, it’s gotten stronger over the last 18 months. And it’s never felt like a thing I needed to shout from the roof tops, it’s always felt a part of life, like eating or pooping. Is what it is and kinda necessary.

I didn’t choose it either, this deep love for Jesus. In fact I didn’t want it, for over a decade.

I guess we’re chosen by what will essentially deeply move us, as if we chose it ourselves, maybe it wouldn’t move us so deeply. It would be ‘ego’ driven, and as satisfying as that can be, our ego wants more of it and then more after that and more after that. I never wanted more of Jesus, in fact the less I wanted, the closer I came to resting in christian teachings. The less I wanted to know, the deeper I felt called to meditate and low and behold, there was Jesus, just hanging out, like a serendipity meeting in the subconscious.

It’s not always easy to explain but I never felt called to have a family. I knew, from a very young age there was some spiritual depth that was for exploration, not children or general life happenings that may include a house or marriage or both.

I remember being sat in the back of my dads car when I was younger, we drove past the local church and I heard ‘I’m married to God’. Those words struck me hard. WTF. Nope, how can you marry something that doesn’t physically exist?

But I’m getting it, very very slowly getting it. I can’t explain it, but that’s what mysticism is, isn’t it. The mysterious, the unexplainable. And monk life, I get it, with added luxuries obviously. I think I’m kinda morphing into some modern, punkass monk, but without the monastery and the robe and the penis.

And some days I feel like every single second I’m in prayer, nodding to God. Others I feel like a hot, steaming earthy puddle… and I used to believe these were different states, but they’re totally not. God meets us EVERY WHICH WAY. The more I recognise that, the more contemplative life becomes.

So, accidentally I’m very much living this quiet, prayerful, messy life… like a monk, kinda?! And I hated it at first, and now I’m between hate and love but I’m met by God, wherever I am.