Well Here We Are…

Another year. Same me, new set of numbers. 2022.

2022 feels like a positive set of numbers, which maybe means much ‘negative’ will emerge… ya know, polarity and all that jazz. Confusing? Yes. Let’s be totally honest, most beginning of the year stuff is… confusing fluff.

Because we’re the we we were in 2021 and we’re taking that self into another set of 12 months. It’s ALL constructed anyway. I do love the concept of maths. The constructive element of existence, it just confuses the hell outta me. I was always crap at math through school purely because no-one ever explained that maths is art in embryo. Or art is math in embryo. Either way, there really is no separation between the sciences and arts, it’s just different energy waves exploring plausible explanations for perceived realities. If this had been explained at school, I’d have paid more attention. Take geometry, I LOVE it. I don’t get it but I love it.

So no resolutions this year, I stopped that years ago. I feel certain energetics coming through, generally a result of past year experiences. Community, experiential living, joy, deepening my devotion to God and diving deeper into the teachings of Jesus. The last two I know will manifest. The will be a consequence. But really, who knows. Divine Will isn’t mine.

The truth is the more unified I feel, the less excited I get. This sounds weird to me. I thought I’d turn every corner and be filled with excited joy at my love for life. The total opposite?!? Maybe I’m having some dark night of the soul, I’m feeling many things but excited isn’t one of those many.

BUT

Grace and gratitude. I’m full. It’s not as pretty and neat as I thought it would feel. To be honest, the more I meditate, the more lost and distant I feel. I guess that’s all coming with me into 2022.

Happy New Year. Cheers to the confusing and bewildering months ahead 😉

It’s Been a While… Welcome December

I’m not the fastest on this thing. I find keeping to linear time pretty impossible actually, so blog posts take their sweet time. I thought my inability to keep to schedules was a defect, a problem in my whole entirety of being me. Turns out, it’s not. And I’m not alone. In fact, I think it could be more ‘normal’ to follow natural rhythms and intuitive actions. But sites don’t like it. Algorithms don’t either. Techies want us to be engaging ALL the time as it grows their site, their business. I get it. This isn’t a ‘I hate tech companies’ post because I don’t. I am, after all using this site for my pleasure and expression.

Maybe I’ve digressed, often the case.

It’s December the 1st and I’m in love with this time of year. I am privileged enough to say that as I’m not freezing my ass off, but with warmth and comfort, this time of year can feel joyous. I’m beginning to understand the magic, the splendour. For me it’s not about parties and drinking and cramming as much in before the 25th, I’m too lazy and uninterested for that. For me, there’s something quite mystical about December. Peace fills the sky when it’s below 0 and an almost tactile fineness envelopes as boundaries feel to have contracted with the shorter days. As the moon graces us for many more hours, her lunar magnetism seems to weave into moments that feel formed, almost curated and silver. There’s definitely a silver tinge to days, or a sepia filter that fixates us as a masterfully taken photo would. The leaves are fallen but deep, delicious, rich tones fill landscapes. The tapestry of winter fills my heart with snow angels!

That’s all. I’m not going to write too much as I’m already feeling the itch to stand up, make a cup of tea and then loose blog flow and most probably delete this draft. I’m crafting a more authentic reality by honouring my limits.

May your December 1st be full of anticipation, warm soups and crunchy walks upon the morning frost ❄️💫❄️

Circuit breaker

That’s the role meditation is playing in my life right now. Breaking the continuous chatter of ‘holy wow, it’s all going to sh*t’.

And meditation also gives me the space to unpack that phrase I just wrote as ‘going to sh*t’… why is that bad? We all gotta poop and if we didn’t poop we’d die. And pooping is releasing what our bodies don’t need or toxins etc… so technically pooping is ESSENTIAL! So, if everything is ‘going to sh*t’… its being let go.

Letting go is HARD yet not really that hard at the same time. We do it, all day long. Our bodies do it. Our cells do it. Our mind is switching when we find new distractions, letting go of a previous thought – and yea, it may pop back again but in those moments we’re not in that thought, we’re not in that thought.

And we think too much, right? Because it’s a habit, an expression of energy that seems to find an output through thought, because maybe our bodies have forgotten ways to move through it. Or maybe we never had this amount of excess running through our systems because excess wasn’t so much a thing until it became the norm, celebrated even! I mean, I don’t know. I know very little. And when I pray for relief, I hear MEDITATE! And at first I was like ‘nah, that’s a lot of work doing very little’ and ignored, ignored, ignored. Until..

I had no choice.

And that’s what this pandemic has done for me. Given me zero choices other than to go deeper into my meditation practice. Now, it’s my circuit breaker. Instead of reaching for the remote control to switch out of myself by watching something, anything that feeds what I’m feeling, I sit.

Be still and know I Am God

Be still and know I Am

Be still and know

Be still

Be.

And it’s precious. Very precious indeed.

Q’s to my A’s

I feel this blog is becoming more of a faith exploration space. Not my initial intention when I began writing this blog but… well that’s evolution for you. And once the flow begins and ya jump on board the…board, well ya go where the tide takes you I guess.

Faith feels the most real and important ‘thing’ for me at the moment. A depth, a sweetness if you like, soaking into… like I’m sat in sugar water and my skin is doing what skin does well, absorbing. And I could jump outta the sugar water, it gets a little damp and hot and sticky and funky smelling if I don’t move for a while, but I don’t. I can’t maybe. Because in this sweetness I get glimpses of what it feels like to be delicious. I feel entirely engrossed and porous, which can get somewhat overpowering but the reality is, is better than what’s outside.

It’s scary, right. This apocalyptic feeling, worn on the cuffs of all of us, hidden by the usual veil, left hand ignoring what the right is doing.

But the ignoring is becoming harder and feelings of security outside of myself are dying. There’s no where to place a foot, a rooting within society right now. And I guess the true reality is, there never has been. The veil is thinning, as it does before a mass contraction. Are the waters about to break?

And the questions come. When I feel I have an answer, the question comes. It’s topsy-turvy and it’s not how school taught us.
Question to answer… nope… answer to question.

Outside to understand what’s going on inside… nope… inside and understand nothing (and get used to it)

This is more of a pondering post… but then is that what we do, daily. Ponder. We hold onto weather reports like they are our totality, until eternity. And we know how quickly the weather can change.

So Q’s to my A’s, they just keep coming. And the sweet waters, they keep me hydrated even though I’m feeling a little prune-y 🙂

Forgetful

I’ve been in denial my whole life.

I’m a forgetful being. I’ve found other people who are forgetful REALLY annoying because… darn it… I’ve seen myself in them but DENIAL!

I literally can think something in the morning and it’s bloody brilliant. Like the BEST idea I’ve ever had.
‘This is so fudging good, I’ll get cracking on this later’…

Later…

‘What was I doing this morning? Is that the time? Now what? What was I doing yesterday at at this time?’

And so continues my life.

Am I alone in this? No, appears not. And it took an ADHD ‘diagnosis’ to delve into what this meant and literally ALL the struggles common with ADHDers.

And I thought I was different! Yet I didn’t wanna be different, at the same time I was also ‘no one else thinks like me, I’m the ONLY one who understands’. And in that victim mode I could get really annoyed at people for living in their chaos because, ya know, I was different. I was controlled. I didn’t forget anything, I just had a unique way of not remembering things.

And I am unique. Just not so flipping up my own arse to think my chaos isn’t spilling out, because it is and was. And I care less now, kinda. But it took some therapist to say ‘yes, you’re combined ADHD’ for the permission to be more me.

And that’s sad, and shows a lot about the society we live in and how I’ve adapted my tribal brain to want to ‘fit’ by being less me and more ‘them’ (whoever the hell them is!).

I’m forgetful. Totally and utterly forgetful. And I gotta write stuff down in order to get shit done. I’m learning more about my chaotic self. Just the way God made me. Thank you God!



Hunter gatherer brain

ADHD. The research has been intense, to the point where I’m like ‘wait, what am I actually trying to figure out here’. I lost the thread. I’m learning the pattern, my consistency in forgetting why I’m doing something or why I started and never ‘finishing’. Basically because I forgot – I dropped the firewood so I had free hands to go get more.

And is this such a big deal? According to society, yes.

The pressure I’ve put on myself to finish. And why? Because I’m not productive enough? I’m not progressing in a way I was told humans are supposed to? When I think about school, I remember the windows because I focused my attention towards and outta them, a lot. Noticing cloud formation and zoning into outside, that came easy. I was told I zoned out, but actually I was plugging myself in. The natural world settled something super primal within. I didn’t think that deeply into it then but as I still stare at the sky, I realise just how pacifying it is.

Retaining facts and figures, I just didn’t and still don’t give a shit about it.

and why is that important? Because when I stared outside, I got in trouble. “You’re focusing on the wrong thing!” But my brain didn’t think so. And why was my focus of attention wrong over someone who adores maths or logical thinking. AND the struggle has been REAL trying to focus on stuff that I truthfully don’t care about just because I wanted to ‘get’ somewhere. BUT that left me feeling so fucking stationary (and stationary SUCKS).

So in my deep-end dunk into ADHD, I came across a concept about ADHDers having a hunter gatherer brain. Wait, what!? Something clicked.

Movement, noticing tiny detail but not having to focus for too long, small sounds sounding MEGA (because that’s how you hear prey or predators), more movement, craving the danger and adventure (otherwise you’d never flipping go into the wild to find your food), intense focus from one thing to another to another in a super small time frame (checking your surroundings, what’s safe? What’s not?).

I’m adding here I’ve checked Instagram three times since beginning this piece and and also switched up my Spotify playlist.

And ya know what… I’m not even gonna give myself a hard time about it. I’m a fucking hunter, gathering for my tribe and my tribe need me.

There are so many ways we can reframe the beliefs about ourselves and the way we ‘fit’. My ADHD ‘diagnosis’ has been a revelation, in that I can dive more deeply and honestly into what works for me and what I’ve been doing that’s actually left me totally flat (which is a lot!).

The unexpected path… a dream for this wild hunter 🙂

A picture of me active in my favourite pastime… you’re welcome.